Thursday, February 05, 2004

 
The Tooth about life

What’s the deal with toothpaste tubes? For years now, my toothpaste has been giving me a hard time, and I really don’t need trouble first thing in the morning.
It all happens because I never seem to remember to buy toothpaste in advance. And so, one fine night, when I am standing at the wash basin, brush in hand, I suddenly realise I am out of toothpaste. And then I am faced with serious existential questions: Will my teeth fall off by morn-ing? Will the world cease to exist when I open my mouth? Do I have enough coffee in the house to offset the lack of toothpaste?
On December 31, while most of the world was looking at party options, and new year resolutions, I was being blasted by Colgy, my toothpaste.
“How much are you going to squeeze out of me?! There is nothing left!” Colgy screamed.
“Shhh! There is still a bit left!”
“Why didn’t you go out and buy one of my brothers yesterday? Why do you always have to wait till the last minute?”
“I forgot, Ok?”
“You always forget! When we are being manufactured in the factory, our parents always tell us - ‘keep away from thebengali! He will squeeze the life out of you.’ Did you know that little toothpastes live in mortal fear that they may one day end up in your bathroom cabinet?”
I looked at Colgy. I had finally gone insane. I was standing there and get-ting fired by my toothpaste. Aaaargh!!!!
“Tu kya aargh karta hai? Go and buy a new one now!”
“The shops are closed! I will get one tomorrow, I promise. Just one little squeeze tonight and one tomorrow morning. I can’t go to bed without brushing my teeth!” I wailed.
“Ok, but after this, there is nothing left, do you understand?”
I nodded sorrowfully, brushed my teeth and went to bed. That night I dreamt of being chased by toothpastes - 50 gm, 100 gm, 200 gm and 500 gm packs - all over the world. I woke up just as they caught me and were squeezing the life out of me.
You would think I would remember to buy a new toothpaste after a dream like that. But no. I forgot again on New Year day. Colgy made me kneel down at the basin for half an hour as punishment, before finally al-lowing me to brush my teeth.
So what is it with toothpastes? Why do I forget to stock up?
Probably because the toothpaste is an essential commodity, it keeps my teeth healthy. But I have never seen it as so. We always stock up on things we want but don’t need. Like sweets and steel scrubbers and T-shirts and shoes and CDs. But do we have excess fruits, or dettol or band aid? I sure don’t. We always seem to have enough time to party. But do we take as much time to study? Nope. We wait for the final exams. We always have enough money to buy another trouser. But do we think of getting a regular health check-up? Nope.
The way I see it, there's no sense in waiting for the final squeeze.



posted by Sanjay Maya 7:46 PM

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

 
It’s an Ad Ad world

A few months ago, my friend Dugsy and I were engrossed in a movie when a commercial break happened. Little Dabboo - that’s Dugsy’s five-year-old son - stood up and started announcing:
“This part of the movie has been brought to you by Dabli Dabla Hair Oil, Kankadpatthar Rice, Bamboo Balm to soothe muscle pain and Chappan Tikli Jeans.”
We looked at each other.
“Papa, I am going out to play.”
“But I thought you wanted to see this movie?”
“Yes, but this is a 10-minute break. I can play one round of hide and seek and come back.”
That made sense. We were too old to play hide and seek, so we sat and cursed the ads.
“I can tell you I am never going to buy that brand of tooth paste ever,” Dugsy said after a while.
“Why not?”
“It is one of the things that is preventing me from watching the movie!”
“Hey, they are just trying to promote their product.”
“To whom? To me, right? If they keep interrupting my entertainment, I can tell you they are not going to get me to buy anything.”
We kept quite as the movie came back on. Dabboo was back too. That guy knew the exact length of commercials. It was a comedy movie, but we had lost the link. Luckily a song was coming up.
“This song is brought to you by Taklu uncle on the third floor who used to love Tootakandi Shoes,” Dabboo piped up.
“Used to love?”
“Yes. He doesn’t any more. He says anything that interferes with Hindi film music is on his hit list. Do you want Khokla Cola? That will be the next ad.”
“Next ad?” I asked.
“Yes. After the song is over, there will be another ad to tell you who is bringing to us the next half an hour of the movie. I think I will go and study. I can’t wait so long to watch a movie.”
Dabboo returned after finishing his homework. We were still trying to watch the movie.
“Now they will show you a trailor of a movie which will be ‘coming soon’ and they will tell you who will sponsor it when it is aired.”
“How do you know all this?” Dugsy asked Dabboo.
“Why do you think I don’t watch TV any more? I used to think the ads will be shown at one time, so I can watch the programme in peace. But I realised that we have to watch it in pieces. I know the direction ads will take in the future too,” he said confidently.
“What?”
“This dialogue is sponsored by Dhakka Maar Engklish classes. The first comma in the second sentence of the lead hero’s 17th dialogue is spon-sored by so and so. The smile on the heroine’s face in this scene is sponsored by Not So Close Up toothpaste... only old people like you will watch TV then. We kids have much better things to do with our time!”
And that's the way it goes. So in the same spirit: The full stop at the end of this sentence...




posted by Sanjay Maya 8:04 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

 
Ping pong philosophy

Life is actually a ping pong ball. It is so too. If you don’t believe me, roll yourself down the road and see how your life goes round and round with every gust of wind.
Well, it’s a theory anyway. Or so my good friend, TT Singh, sitting in Delhi tells me. Now TT Singh had beaten me in the finals of our club ping pong finals and as you can imagine he never stops harping about it. That was the only time I lost a ping pong match to him but unfortunately it was a title match. I could - and I did - stand on roof tops and tell the whole world that I led him 76-1 in a head-to-head count. But it didn’t matter. He beat me when it mattered. Or so I thought.
For years after that match I refused to touch a racquet. And it wasn’t until much later that I realised what sports is really about. Growing up, I used to live in a place called Santa Cruz in Bombay. We had a community hall in our colony which had facilities for badminton, table tennis and carrom. Like everyone else, I used to go there to play and watch others play. There was this one kid, I think he was 12 then (I was around 17), who played every day and lost to every one around. But what struck me was that he came back again the next day... with improvements in his game.
Then one day, he finally managed to beat one of the older guys who had been thrashing the crap out of him all the while. I waited to see his expression, expecting a lot of excitement and energy. But no. That kid just packed his bag and went home. And came back the next day, ready for another evening of table tennis with an expression of intent concentration. That kid was honing his killer instinct and learning how to play the game... and the secret to success.
That kid is my friend Satya’s younger brother. Eventually he started beating both me and Satya very regularly. Today he is a computer professional in Kansas, USA, one of the best in the business, much sought after by companies. He is one of the few who didn’t have to return after the IT boom went phoot. And he taught me what sport is all about. He said one thing back then as a little boy that I think is a good philosophy to lead life by:
“I just have to keep putting that ball back on the table and I will win.”
So where does TT Singh come in? Well, TT Singh taught me a corollary to this ping pong philosophy.
“Play the game at your own pace.”
“Kya baat karta hai? I will end up playing slow and the other guy will whack the shit out of me!” I said, horrified.
“Oye! I beat you ki nahin? Your game is fast. But when I played my slow game, you started playing at my pace. You competed with me, with my strong point and that’s why you lost. Play the game at your pace - that’s what ping pong is all about.”
I eventually started playing ping pong again only after I came to Pune in 1996. There was a mitra mandal in Parvati (I stayed in Parvati then) where I found I could play with the local players. They beat me almost every other day, but I had found the purpose of playing - to play against myself. The best sportspersons in the world have one thing in common: they compete only with the one person who can really beat them - their own self. And therefore, they beat others. This is a thought that I find very inspiring.
Yep, I think life is like a ping pong ball. You just have to keep putting that ball back on the table.
posted by Sanjay Maya 8:10 PM